I’ve decided to start blogging more personal things.  My blog is a great platform to reach people from all over.  I’d like to help others with stories about my Real & Quirky life.

Learning to Love Me – Despite My Flaws

I’m currently working on learning to love myself.  My self worth through the years has been measured by various things.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m only good enough if I spend enough time with my kids.  Other times, it has to do with how attentive I’ve been to my husband.  Occasionally it has to do with how I contribute to the world around me, through volunteer or paid work or even acts of kindness to strangers.  Being worthy of good things sometimes feels tied to how into prayer, worship, Bible studies, and church I am.  Maybe I’m better if I devote most of my hours to making my house a home.  I’m especially great if I’m healthy, working out, and not eating bad foods, right?

I’m finally reaching a place now where I’m learning to love me.

I am choosing how to define myself.  I’m choosing not to base my worth on petty things.  I am choosing to love myself because I am loved, even if I’m not “worthy.”

I have flaws.  Everyone does.  I make poor choices.  I say yes to things I shouldn’t have.  I say no to things that really were important.  I disappoint people.  I disappoint myself.  I fall short of the level of perfection I feel like I should be reaching.

I’m deciding that it’s not a big deal.  I am enough.

I simply do not have time to worry about the judgement of others.  I do not have the energy and time to spend hating myself for actions I have taken that could have been done differently, or even better.

I can only control what is in the present, and even then, I can’t control it all. God is in control.  Other people have their own choices to make.  This life isn’t all about me, anyway.  Why did I ever think the world revolved around me?

I’m choosing to take a step back.  Enjoy the beauty in the world.  Appreciate the chaos of the world.  Go along for the ride, even if it wasn’t what I planned.  Relax.  Practice understanding and patience as best I can.  I’m trying to genuinely be the kind of person that I like to be around.

Will I mess up?  Will I still have moments of self-loathing?  Will I still feel like I’m not measuring up?

Without a doubt.

Is it still worth trying?  Should I still try to free myself of the stress and constraints and accept myself for who I am and try to become someone better?

You bet.

I’m restructuring my time.

To love myself, I have to allow myself to grow and explore life in ways I haven’t before.

I am going to start spending more time with my family.  I’m going to start saying NO more to other things.  I’m going to start trying to be more physically fit (even if that doesn’t mean the gym) and active.  I’m going to stop worrying about what that stupid scale says or what foods I ate and instead start noticing how I feel and adjust to that.

I’m going to start dating my husband more and doing sweet things for him that don’t take much time (like rubbing his shoulders while we watch a show together or make a special meal that I know he loves) and don’t require a babysitter.

I’m going to continue on in the year of me and give myself permission to lock myself in my bedroom to study the Bible, to do research, to start a new hobby, to pray.

This is the year that I’m going to learn to love me.