For the past several weeks, I have been amazed at how truly blessed I am. It wasn’t that long ago that I was pulling my hair out and dreaming of running away from home.
I seem to go through phases…several weeks of going crazy and questioning this whole being a mom thing, followed by a stretch of time when everything seems to fall into place, peacefully, contentedly.
I’m totally having a peaceful stretch now. I feel safe, happy, fulfilled, loved, appreciated, blessed, as if I am a blessing to others, nurtured, peaceful, and calm. These times are much more rare than the chaotic, overwhelmed feelings. Right now I am trying to bask in the glow of this sense of genuine happiness.
How often do you feel truly happy?
We were snowed in thanks to Cleon and all of the ice aftermath. Texas just isn’t equipped to handle that kind of mess. We couldnt get our vehicles out of the driveway from Friday until Wednesday. I can’t think of any time I’ve been stuck inside with my family for that long!
My husband’s former dreams of trying to work from home at some point as a regular thing were totally dashed. I love him, but the man is just not called to be at home with us all during the daytime hours on a regular basis. Particularly if there are neighborhood children involved. He has a very low tolerance for neighborhood children. 🙂
I thought being forced in together would drive me insane. After all, I’m the mama crying out at the last minute, begging for someone to please meet me for an impromptu mom’s night out because my kids are driving my nuts!
This week, though, it has been different. Beautiful, really. Sure, I have fallen disturbingly behind in my blog work. For that, I truly am sorry to the affected parties… But … Hear me out.
The End Game
At a blogging conference, they recently asked us, “What is your end game?”. Some had an end game of being a published author. Others wanted to quit their day jobs and work from home on their blogs to replace that income. Still others wanted to be a well known brand or personality of some sort.
It has literally taken me weeks to really come up with my TRUE answer. Not the, “to be successful and make more money and retire rich!” answer.. My answer is simply….
I want to be able to look back and know that my kids grew up knowing they were loved. I want my children to think back and remember me fondly….as an interested parent that did more than clean up messes and wipe dirty butts. I want them to remember that I loved them NO MATTER WHAT – for real, and was not just saying that. I want them to have good memories with me present and engaged, laughing and having fun. I want them to remember that I was always there, whether they liked it or not. They should remember that I always valued them and tried to relate to them and advise them with wisdom and not simply emotion. I want them to be able to see that I did the best I could and have always been proud of them and thankful of them. I want them to know that I’ve been blessed by them and that their sweet personalities have been one of God’s greatest gifts to me.
I want my husband to remember that I loved him, even on the days when I literally told him that I gave up and wanted to move away to somewhere, anywhere without the chaos of our household. I want him to fondly recollect the laughter we shaded, even if he can’t remember what dorky events or words caused it. I want him to know in his heart that I lived to honor him and our family, even when it seemed like it was more trouble than it was worth. I want him to think back and remember my smiles (and not my fluctuating waste line). I want him to know that the risk we took when I was 18 and he was 22, getting married at the Justice of the Peace, was worth it. We had no earthly idea what we were getting into, and the first two years were pretty awful…but we had made a pact with each other to grow up together and not apart from one another. I want him to know that I love him, appreciate how hard he has always worked to provide, and that I still love his soft fingers, light blue eyes, and goofy grin – even if he IS a blonde guy (terrible inside joke!).
Reality Check
Wow. My end game actually has nothing to do with blogging. My end game, what I want to truly accomplish – what will give me the self-proclaimed title of WINNER has absolutely nothing to do with making money, sharing my thoughts with others, trying out products, sharing recipes, giving away cool prizes, or ranking well for paleo recipes on pinterest. Nope, I have actually surprised myself with not being able to come up with a single professional end game for myself that did not include my family. At this point in my life, I just cannot separate myself from the family unit as a whole on a regular basis.
My profession IS my role in my home. I am a mom and wife. 100%. As much as I feel like I am this liberated woman, free to chase and achieve anything I want, I still feel grounded and rooted to my family.
You would think that after 8 years of this stay at home mom gig, I’d have it down pat, right? Oh, so wrong.
Sometimes it feels like I’m chained to this life, that I’m trapped thanks to my own desires to have a family. However, I’m beginning to realize that this family has given me far more than I could ever find out in the world, chasing dreams that would tear me from them.
It is actually sort of amazing to know I am blessed with this assortment of individuals, each absolutely unique and essential to me just like air or water. I’m beginning to see that I am not being held back, but I am being used in important ways right here at home and in our community.
Becca @ Bare Feet on the Dashboard says
Beautifully written. I’ve been wrestling with this since Bloggy Boot Camp as well and have yet to come up with the answer.
Samantha says
Your family is truly blessed to have you as mom/wife that knows the potential impact you can make in their lives and striving to do it! No one ever said it was going to be easy but that’s part of the beauty of it, right? I’ve recently been lead to this conclusion as well. 🙂
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Lori says
I can completely relate to this! Just this last week I was feeling deflated and like my adult life hasn’t amounted to much. I was feeling like I needed a job to volunteer position to feel accomplished. But then a fun filled family weekend reminded me that I am raising four beautiful children daily. They are constantly growing and by my role as a stay at home mom I am able to be there for all the good an bad moments, helping mold them into the adults they will become! It may not be much to some but it’s exactly what I’ve always wante to do!
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Tiffany Romero says
Well, I was obviously *meant* to come across this post. 😉
I love your end game. And, while my professional “end game” is to be loaded and on an island, my personal/family end game is very similar to yours. As you beautifully put “I want them to be able to see that I did the best I could and have always been proud of them and thankful of them”.
The liberation as a woman is the beauty that YOU get to make the choice. I’m thrilled you pondered the question and went down the path of what YOU really want.
xoxo
Tiffany
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